External Validation

“I will be meaningful because I will be excellent.”

I recently heard this statement by a client directed toward their life. I found it significant and wrote it down. However, it stuck with me throughout the next several weeks and I even wrote it in my journal and found myself repeatedly returning to that page.

Upon my own self-reflection, I realized that I have lived my life with this mindset at the helm.

When I have behave, perform, respond, or provide something that was deemed as excellent, I feel validated. I am meaningful to the various companies I have worked for because I have gone above and beyond or meaningful to others because I provided the sturdiest or shoulders for them to lean on. And even in those moments when I had nothing left in the tank, I performed at a high level, I was excellent, and therefore, I had meaning. I worked hard because it’s a value I hold so tightly, but I also aim to avoid criticism and disapproval.

Most people find value and experience a sense of satisfaction by helping others. However, when you rely on external validation, one can often get lost in a constant quest of approval-seeking behaviors. Over time, these behaviors become habitual, especially in moments of high anxiety or stress.

Recently while working at the hospital, I received a call from someone in another department who began the conversation by venting about their struggles for the day. To add context, this was also a busy day for me, and I was feeling extremely overwhelmed. This person asked for some information to complete a task and in that moment, I said, “Let me take care of this for you.” As in, let me do the entire task that appears to be causing you distress. Upon ending the call, a friend who observed this interaction looked at me and stated, “You always need to prove your worthiness by being the most helpful.” Some honest feedback, but she isn’t wrong.

My stress has been higher than usual and after that comment, I realized that oftentimes in these moments of stress, I tend to overextend myself in an effort to subconsciously seek outside approval. And there is more to it than just stress, it’s how I have processed and internalized my struggles as an indictment on my ability to be a man. Probably an entire blog post just on that comment!

For many years, these maladaptive behaviors have been hidden under the mask of “That’s the role of a mental health professional.” Or “I really enjoy helping others, this is not a big deal.” There are so many more statements and while there are elements of truth in some of them, it was overlooking the conundrum that my self-worth has been tied to external validation. Oftentimes, when I get frustrated, I tend to stay quiet to cause controversy or conflict. Conflict typically means people have differing views on a topic and if my viewpoint is not accepted, I am not accepted. Saying no, even in moments of burnout, was not an option. Being good enough was considered a failure.

In therapy, I tell others to reframe their thoughts. That they must began to restructure their core beliefs to see the change in behaviors that they are seeking. I suppose it’s my time to do the same. My original statement likely needs a tune up.

“I will be meaningful because I will be excellent.”

For so long, I have felt that if I am less than excellent, I am insignificant. It’s a lonely road to constantly seek the approval of others and something I learned is that no matter how hard you try to be what you think everyone needs, the less satisfied you are in life. To put myself on the couch of my patients, I need to start my journey on a different path with a new belief system in place.

"I will embrace the opportunity to be authentic to myself."