Sit With It
Frequently in therapy, my patients will explain a story in which something occurred that resulted in a negative emotion. And more often than not, these initial feelings linger causing increased anxiety, depression, and other undesirable emotions. A common practice I encourage patients to implement is to “sit with it” for a moment. It’s really uncomfortable to allow anxiety, depression, anger, shame, guilt, or whatever it may be to just exist. Many people try to deal with it in their own way which frequently leads to not dealing with it at all. And if we never allow ourselves the opportunity to just experience life in the moment, we are reinforcing that these emotions are dangerous, bad, or wrong. And when we associate the word bad or dangerous with an emotion like anxiety, we tend to avoid experiencing it altogether. Good luck trying to outrun anxiety! We essentially are saying that the anxiety is the problem and because I am so uncomfortable, it therefore must be wrong, and immediate adjustment is required. If we can learn that these distressing thoughts or emotions are not wrong, but accept them for what they are, we can avoid getting “sucked in” to the negative cycle that typically ensues.
I had a patient several years ago tell me about a situation at work in which they felt overlooked by leadership and experienced significant anger and resentment about their rate of pay and status within the company. For the first couple of sessions, this patient would come to therapy and start with a diatribe toward their employer. After developing some rapport, I found an opportunity in a transition in the conversation and asked, “So what are you feeling?” The patient looked surprised by what they thought had been pretty obvious and stated, “Well, pretty pissed off. Haven’t you been listening?” I asked several follow-up questions encouraging the patient to dig deeper into what being “pissed off” actually meant. After several minutes, they stated, “I do not feel respected or that my existence matters to this company.”
Now we are getting somewhere!
Once that statement was made, the terms such as “sad” and “discouraged” were brought up by the patient. I asked them to sit with it for a moment and really feel it. It admittedly was an awkward few minutes, but what came from that was profound. The patient admitted that due to their initial feelings of anger, they did not try as hard at work leading to feeling unfulfilled in their role. Underlying feelings of guilt manifested into anger at the company when really it was more about the individual.
Part of sitting with it encourages the patient to experience the emotion to explore why they may feel this way but also allows us to have more productive conversations with ourselves. That patient realized their behavior contributed to the negative emotions, but also that they wanted to transition to another career. Anxiety and fear about a life change lead to unproductive behaviors in their current role. Our sessions changed from hating their job to building self-confidence.
Sometimes when we are stressed about money, angry with an employer, frustrated with our spouse or children, sitting with these emotions and allowing ourselves a moment to process will provide us the opportunity to see what we really need in that moment. It may be time, a break, or even a career change. It’s OK to feel negative emotions and it does not need to lead to prolonged anxiety or depression.
Once you learn how to identify your feelings, experience its impact on your mind and body, and view the thoughts without judgment, you will learn how to respond more appropriately.
It’s important to practice kindness to ourselves and allowing yourself to just sit with it for a moment is a great place to start.
