Embracing the Imperfections

I strive to be the best version of myself every day. I set goals, have expectations for myself, and work hard to “win the day”. This all sounds good, so why am I struggling? Why am I beating myself up at every moment of adversity? Why do I feel like I have failed?

I am not embracing the imperfections within my life.

Several months ago, I decided it was time to paint the kitchen, the base molding, and French doors that lead into an office space. I successfully painted the kitchen and base molding without much issue. I took the French doors off the hinges and was ready to sand and prepare them for paint. Oh, I forgot to mention I removed the medicine cabinet from the main bathroom leaving a hole in the wall last fall. I felt I shouldn’t leave that incomplete for much longer, so I started removing the wallpaper so I could repair the drywall, prime, and paint the walls. Yikes, this took too long, and it was hard, so I left that unfinished.

Several weeks go by without any work on the bathroom and those unpainted French doors remained off the hinges. Now there is a crack in one of the glass panes due to a toy that errantly hit it. One more thing I need to do.

I bring up the French doors for a reason. It’s certainly not the only unfinished project in my house, but my mind is fixated on needing to finish it. It’s in a focal point of the house that I see daily. It’s a constant reminder of something I have not finished which I have internalized as a failure. My wife would love these projects completed, however; she has never once “nagged” me to “do something”. So where does this negative thought come from?

I am not embracing the imperfections within my life.

My wife and I started E Squared last year and it has exceeded all the expectations that I had set. We have had some issues with billers, a national confidentiality breach that impacted revenue a few months ago, we changed our tax structure, increased our caseload, and much more. If you’re still reading, we have some exciting news that we will share in the next few months, but another change which adds stress! This is all normal stuff, and overall, the company is thriving. We are living our dream of providing care to those in need and crisis and doing it on our OWN!

But I frequently only see the things that are not complete. The case notes, the emails, the calls I need to return, billing related tasks and more! The to-do list feels like it doubles with every week that passes. I see the potential hardships and struggles. When am I going to have time to finish any of it?

Then I remember that I still need to paint those French doors. The anxiety sets in, but so do the negative thoughts of being a failure.

I still work part-time in the hospital which means two days a week are completely “shot” as these are 12.5 hour shifts and 35 minutes from home. The constant anxiety that I am not there for my kids runs rampant in my head. What if they grow up resenting me? What if I am not enough? What if my absence leads to psychological turmoil?

Then when I am home, I fear that I am not working on my “at home” to-do list. That anxiety sets in, and I perseverate over each little task. As I sit there on the floor surrounded by my kids’ toys, I look up and see those damn French doors leaning up against the wall. I think, “I really am a failure.”

I am not embracing the imperfections within my life.

However, I have begun the work to learn how to embrace these imperfections. I had to start with my mindset. I needed to develop a growth mentality and not a fixed mindset or just completing a task. To grow, I feel you have to accept that change may be hard, but it may be necessary. Maybe I could change my mindset and go about this in a different way. So here is my attempt at that.

I recently started seeing a therapist. I accepted that I have distorted thoughts, poor self-image, and an unproductive mindset. I feared that I would be seen as “incompetent” in my job because I needed help. My reasons for going versus what I am working on are vastly different. I realized that I have much more control over this than I thought.

I have always struggled with my body image. I have swum in a pool with my kids maybe 5 times in their life. I began making healthier choices and developing better habits. I have lost 13 pounds since June. I recently made it 6 times in their life I swam in a pool. Do I look like a shirtless Jason Momoa? Nah, but my kids had fun with me and that’s what matters to me.

I never ask for help. I always say I can do it. Oftentimes I have forgotten to do the task, gave up, or made an excuse because I was so overwhelmed and overloaded. But recently I have asked for more help without crippling feelings of guilt. I must work hard at reframing the intrusive guilty feeling, but I am trying. My wife has been awesome with her support overall, but particularly in this area!

I am working on being present. What am I doing at this moment? I am trying to be with the kids when I plan to be with the kids. I am working on putting away my distractions (my phone) and being in the moment. Shutting out the thoughts of “what should I be doing” and just being a villain trying to take over the city before my son Connor saves the day in his Spiderman costume.

I am not perfect, no one in my life needs me to be perfect, and those French doors are not an indicator of my success. They are a mere reminder that I am human, with a busy schedule, and stuff will get done when it gets done. I can certainly learn to prioritize my tasks more efficiently, but I do not need to accomplish all these goals I have set for myself at the same time.

Life is hard. It’s not always going to look pretty. I am learning to be comfortable with my imperfections and although it’ll take a lot more work, I am not a failure.

I am learning to embrace the imperfections within my life!

What imperfections do you have that you can learn to embrace?