10 Years
Over 12 years ago, when my wife and I announced we were engaged, I received a lot of marriage advice and counsel from people I considered or still consider invaluable in my life. A prevailing theme in these conversations were about the difficulty of marriage/relationships and the need to be adaptable. I heard stories from others that exemplified their strength and love in marriage, even in the most difficult of times.
At the time, I naively accepted the information at face value, stored it in the depths of my brain, and was uncertain what to do with it. I did not expect marriage to be easy, but was not quite sure what being adaptable meant.
Leading up to the wedding day, I spent a lot of time reflecting on past relationships. Not in the “what if” or “I missed out on” type of way, but in the sense of how different this relationship was and still currently is. The phrase, “Make sure you’re ready” or “Do you know what you’re getting yourself into” was thrown around by those around me. I can assure you, there is no such handbook on this topic and “being ready” is not analogous to the “ready position” in baseball. But one of the key components that separated this relationship from anything I have ever experienced is my ability to be myself.
In my opinion, that is the single greatest litmus test for “being ready” for marriage. I was able to share my occasional faulty thought process with my wife. I was able to remove my armor and “not be perfect”. I was able to make mistakes and not worry if “this is it”. She accepted me in those moments and more importantly, loved me more in those times.
The phrase, “Do you know what you’re getting into?” always made me laugh. But after reflecting on this idea with 10 years of marriage experience under my belt, I discovered an important life lesson. When a person tells you who they are, believe them.
Sam told me she was ambitious, hard-working, and unafraid of much in life. She told me the truth, even when I had no interest in hearing it. She told me she is strong, passionate, and organized. And I told her that I am also ambitious, hard-working, but afraid of a lot in life. I sometimes hid my true feelings to protect her emotions, even when she needed to hear the truth. I told her I am also strong, passionate, but unorganized at times.
We have similarities but so many differences. However, created a balance in each other that works. People do not change after marriage. I found that radical acceptance of characteristics or a desire to change our partner, should not be the ultimate goal, rather a desire to learn who your spouse is. My wife has encouraged me to be more assertive, have more compassion for myself, and challenge myself in ways I never believed I could. She has pushed me to be the best version of myself at this stage in my life.
I unpacked a lot of those stored thoughts about being “adaptable”. I adapted as a person in my marriage. I did not change who I was to accommodate my wife, I grew as a man, a husband, and now a father. Being husband is not about “wearing the pants” or whatever silly euphemism people use. It’s about being a true partner and adapting and growing with your spouse.
Have things always been as they appear on Facebook? Hell no. Have we fought? Yep. Have I made mistakes? You bet. Has she? Of course. But we have grown in every aspect imaginable. Our focus is not on perfection, but growth. We change as humans everyday and we need to accept that continued growth is necessary.
Look, I will probably still leave my socks on the floor, and may start one too many projects without finishing the previous ones, or worry too much about money. But there is no one else I would want telling me about these issues than you. I love you so much, and can’t wait for the next milestone we reach together.
Happy 1o year anniversary!
