The People Pleaser
Over the years, I have received compliments from people such as “You really went above and beyond” or “You are such a nice a guy” and these phrases helped reinforce my belief in who I am.
In other words, peoples opinions of who I am as a person have served as a gauge of my self-worth. Read that again. Peoples opinions of who I am as a person have served as a gauge of my self-worth.
You are absolutely correct if this seems like an unhealthy and faulty thought process. There is nothing wrong with feeling better after receiving a compliment. Everyone likes to feel appreciated, recognized, and respected. But when you need it to determine your own value, therein lies the problem.
I noticed my desire to be a people pleaser many years ago especially in disagreements with friends or in other relationships. If I was upset about something, I would bring up my concerns to the other individual (usually after a significant delay), and by the end of the conversation, I am apologizing and have significant guilt that I may have offended that person. I wondered why I felt emotionally exhausted all the time, and the need to feel responsible other people’s emotions is a major contributing factor.
When I make a mistake and I receive feedback on the error, I have overwhelming disappointment in myself. So much so, that my disappointment manifests into intrusive thoughts such as “My boss probably thinks I am a failure” or “What if my peers think I am not a good worker or a good person”. It goes back to the initial statement: Peoples opinions of who I am as a person have served as a gauge of my self-worth.
I have a tendency to say '“I am sorry” a lot. Even when the situation does not suggest I need to be sorry, I apologize to take any “pressure” off the other individual. I will go out of my way to ensure that a person is not upset. The mere thought of someone being upset with me causes me significant discomfort. I will often look internally when someone is angry or frustrated with me, even in times when I know I should feel proud of how I acted. Sometimes, I will even assume the other person is upset and they really are not. This goes back to the post on negative core beliefs. I tend to agree with others or act a certain way that I think is more conducive to the environment I am in. This is to ensure I am not upsetting anyone. It’s not intentional, but my behaviors reflect that I am avoiding conflict at all costs. To me, conflict generally results in negative reinforcement of my poor self-esteem. Standing up for myself and sometimes others is a horrifying endeavor. And this is one area that really upsets me because I know right from wrong and I know when to say something. It’s the actual task of doing it that causes me fear and digging into this deeper, it stems from my own disbelief in myself. I do not always take myself seriously, and therefore, I have told myself subconsciously that no one else will either.
Oftentimes, I am frustrated at tasks that I have on my calendar. Over the years, I have agreed to do things for others that I really do not want to do or have time to do. However, I am seeking that positive reinforcement from another persons opinion of who I am. I truly love helping people and I genuinely appreciate when someone feels comfortable enough to ask me to do something and have the confidence in me to handle it. I have deleted this blurb three times now because I am afraid someone will think, "Wow, he really hates helping others and only does it for self-serving purposes.” It’s actually the opposite. I will sacrifice my own well-being, to assist others because at my core, I want to be a good person. The problem with never saying no is that over time, I become burnt out, frustrated, and dissatisfied with my own quality of life. Saying “no” to someone when I can not or prefer not to do something causes that guilty and uncomfortable feeling. It also starts the vicious proverbial hamster wheel that I will disappoint someone.
Ok, this is great and all that I have identified the harmful behavior, but now what? How does someone start to change these behaviors and begin to place an emphasis on your own well-being. I would love a quick-fix or instant gratification of personal growth. And that’s the key. It comes from our daily growth. This will be a journey for me. And if this post made you question some of your behaviors, then it will likely be a journey for you! But there is hope and I am excited to grow.
My wife has long been an advocate for my personal growth. We have discussed these behaviors in the past. Having that support structure in place has been instrumental for me to this point. We have talked about my people pleasing behaviors in various ways, and she knows when I start to unravel and can identify it for me. It’s interesting because it might seem obvious to others when I am, doing it, but to me, it feels like I am trying to do the right thing. It has been a survival mechanism for so long, that these behaviors have become instinctual.
A friend of mine recently said something that really stuck out. She said, “Not everyone will like you or be your friend and that is ok.” It was the simplicity and timing of the comment that made it so powerful. I understand that not everyone will like me, but the last part of it being ok was really refreshing. It provided a more positive way to view the world. If I continually think that someone will hate me for not doing something or having a certain opinion, then my outlook on life is pretty dreadful. However, changing this thought process to simply, “It will be ok” has already improved my outlook.
I recently started to make more of a concerted effort to change the actual behaviors. I told someone no recently and guess what, we are still friends and they did not tell me I was a pile of garbage. I also told someone that their behavior was inappropriate and did not just go along with it. Was it uncomfortable? Sure was. Did my face turn red? Yep, like a tomato. But you know what I felt? I felt proud and damn it that feels good. And this is where recovery happens. I have good opinions on topics and I have interesting aspects about me that I should not feel like I need to hide. And I am not trash or whatever horrible thing I call myself when I am down. I will normalize being proud of who I am.
Change the narrative. People’s opinions of who I am as a person WILL NOT serve as a gauge of my self-worth and I control how I feel about who I am.
