Inside the Anxious Mind
Ever wonder what it’s like for people who are anxious? Or do you ever wonder if someone suffers in a similar manner that you do? The following is my internal dialogue on a typical day where I tracked my own thoughts.
7:15 a.m.: [Alarm going off] Oh crap, did I sleep too long? Am I going to be late for work? {increased heart rate} Phew, it’s the right time.
8:17 a.m.: [Dropping son off at school] Why did that guy look at me like that? Is there something stuck on my face? [Person recognizes me and starts conversation] Did I just say hey buddy? I wonder if they think I am weird. {increased heart rate}
9:54 a.m.: [Walking into work] Wow, there are a lot of people here. [See a group of people I recognize] I hope I don’t stutter on my words or say something stupid. {Feelings of panic as the group approaches} Phew, glad that interaction went ok.
10:21 a.m.: [Assessing a patient in the ER] I hope they do not think I am inadequate at my job. What if I can’t help? I have bags under my eyes, I hope they can’t tell that I am tired. [Introduce myself] Good job, see this is not too bad! {Increased heart rate} Wow, the whole family came in to support this patient. What if I say something dumb? {Sustained elevated heart rate. Begin sweating.} I hope they don’t want to shake hands because mine are sweaty.
11:09 a.m.: [I must update the ER physician on my recommendations for the patient] Welp, I hope they agree with my plan and there is not a disagreement. What if there is? {Increased heart rate. Minor trembling}
11:58 a.m.: [See someone I know walking by] I wonder if they will say hi. Do I say hi first? [Conversation begins] Does my breath smell? Wait, do I smell? {Increased heart rate}
12:30 p.m.: [Head to the cafeteria for lunch] I wonder if the cashier makes fun of me for getting an uncrustable and string cheese multiple times a week? I really should make my lunch. I am spending money on stupid stuff. {Feeling restless} I did not ask every coworker if they wanted to get lunch. I wonder if they will think that was rude.
2:43 p.m.: [Get a call from RN to speak to an upset patient] I hope I don’t get screamed at. I hope even more that they can’t tell how nervous I am. {Increased heart rate, feelings of panic} I have done this many times, you will be ok. [Engage with patient] Wow, they are really upset.
4:03 p.m.: [Interacting with a coworker] Why did I have to get snippy? She was just trying to give me her opinion. I hope she doesn’t think I am mad. But I also don’t want to be a doormat. Wow, it’s tough trying not be aggressive in my speech or too passive. [Ongoing worry]
5:19 p.m.: [Receive text from friend asking to hang out] I wish I could, but I am working that day. I feel like I always say no. Do they think I am full of shit?
6:45 p.m.: [Overwhelming sense of fear] Where is this coming from. Quick, get to the bathroom so no one notices I am nervous. [Feeling shaky]
8:52 p.m.: [Difficulty focusing] I should really take a walk. I have been inside all day. Will my colleagues think I am lazy if I go on a walk? Ugh, I don’t want that reputation. I should go see another patient. [Increased difficulty concentrating] Yeah, I need to see this patient. I probably should drink some water. Wait, have I even had any yet?
10:31 p.m.: [Feeling restless] I hope the kids had a good day. What if one of them wakes up sick? I can’t keep asking my in-laws to babysit.
11:58 p.m.: [Feeling irritable] Why am I tossing and turning? I hope that kid I recommended to send home from the ER is ok tonight. What if she isn’t? Did I make a mistake or miss something?
Yes, I had anxiety posting this. “Will the people who read this think I am incapable of being a therapist?” Or, “Will anyone even read this? Am I just wasting time?”
It’s an ongoing battle. What appears on the outside is sometimes a mask for the true emotions on the inside. I know it may not seem like it, but my symptoms have improved. Just talking about it helps. I am making it normal and a part of my identity. It is becoming less and less like a big scary bad guy that I am running from. No, I don’t enjoy feeling anxious and experiencing worry or feelings of impending doom. But I am getting by and each day that I successfully get through and challenge my fears, the easier the following day is. There is hope for you.
