Don’t Settle
My wife and I still jokingly argue about when our first date occurred. If you tell someone to meet you at a location, spend an hour walking around, eat pizza at a local diner and split the tab, and drive home your separate ways, then our first date was much earlier than my wife claims!
Many years ago, I was dating a girl for several years and the relationship abruptly ended. I was admittedly heartbroken and upset. A few weeks after the break-up, a friend and co-worker asked if I was interested in talking to a girl named Samantha she knew from another job. She told me all about her desirable qualities and wanted me to get excited. However, I am not one to reach out to others and am more introverted until I get to know someone. The likelihood of me reaching out to a complete stranger to say hello was unlikely, especially after a break-up. Some time passed and I remember receiving a Facebook message from Samantha. The part of the story I hate to admit is after exchanging a few brief messages, I stopped responding. And no, it was not my ego or me “just being a guy”. I am a very awkward person, and sometimes I ignore things if they seem scary. I began to overthink everything and thought that a simple conversation would lead to a relationship. Ok, so maybe that is a tad egotistical!
A few months passed and I found out from my co-worker that Samantha was hired at our company. On her first day, she walked right up to me and said, “Oh, so you’re Jason and the guy that ghosted me on Facebook?”. For those that know me, yes, my face did turn bright red.
So, what is the point of this story?
I often think back to how our relationship started. I invited Sam out to meet my friends, but then would partake in a few drinks and inevitably say something dumb like, “You are pretty and all, but I could never date anyone I work with.” Classy guy, huh?
I think I was more methodical in this relationship because in the past, I put a lot of effort into relationships. I always felt like I had to be the “best” partner and was afraid of letting someone down. I always had that fear of a relationship ending. My immaturity and poor self-confidence at the time certainly played a role, but I also felt like I tried too hard to make a relationship work. It was exhausting, but also unnecessary. Relationships certainly require work and maintenance, but it should not feel exhausting. In those past relationships, I am not sure I was always truly myself.
I am not proud of every action while Sam and I got to know each other. As time passed, the more open and genuine I became. Even in those moments when I said things like, “You are pretty and all, but I could never date anyone I work with”, I verbalized how I felt in that moment. The feeling was fear and while not a direct statement, I was telling her I was scared. And Sam did not run away, and she encouraged me to be myself. I started to recondition my brain to accept that being me is not going to cause someone to dislike me. I did not feel like I had to be perfect. Good thing I felt that way because I certainly made a lot of mistakes. But that is where my love began to form for her. She saw me at some low times and accepted me.
I remember being in the backseat of a car with her and some other friends and I leaned over and said, “I think I like you.” She looked at me, threw a water bottle at me and while getting out of the car she said, “Then do something about it!”. Something in that moment clicked for me and I knew this was someone I wanted to be with. My wife has so many qualities that I admire. She is passionate, fierce when needed, loving, intelligent, strong, and has my back no matter the situation. But most importantly, she encourages me to be the best version of myself and challenges me in a way that helps me grow. I learn from her on a daily basis and am amazed each day by everything she accomplishes.
What I learned over the years is never settle. Love and relationships are perfectly imperfect. Not every relationship looks the same. My past relationships were great learning experiences for me and helped me realize what I need in a partner. Your partner should challenge your insecurities and encourage personal growth. Rejection is a part of life, but when you find that partner who you can be genuine with, it all feels worth it. I am thankful to have this level of support from Sam, and truly feel blessed for what we have.
